Kate Spade. Anthony Bourdain. More than 120 others every day according to leading statistics on suicide. Some of which happen close to wherever you call home. It is so sad. It breaks my heart because that means there are people living in a place of deep hurt every single day. I’ve shared my story before. My struggles with mental health issues like depression. It is an ongoing battle that I must take great care to manage. I cannot explain how awful it makes me feel to know that there are people living in a place of such deep-rooted sadness. A place I have been before. I just got done reading, “Girl Wash Your Face” and in the book, Rachel Hollis (the author) says, “…if you’re unhappy, that’s on you. When I say unhappy, I mean unhappy. I don’t mean depressed. True depression has everything to do with your genetic makeup and the chemical balance in your body.” She is right. It’s so easy to look at someone like Kate Spade and wonder what she could possibly have had to be suicidal about when her life appeared to be incredible. But in addition to her success, what she also had and battled, is the demon of a mental health struggle. There is a fine line between unhappy and depression. I can only imagine the guilt she likely felt because she had a good life, yet she still struggled to be happy. It leaves you to question whether you are “allowed” to feel the way you do, given the life you have. It can make you feel like a shallow person. It is exhausting. It is enough to spiral you into an even deeper depression. Some people will tell you to snap out of it or simply wake up and tell yourself it will be a good day, or they tell you the story of someone who experienced a tragedy yet was able to overcome and so you have nothing to be sad about.
Depression doesn’t work that way. Unhappiness might. Unhappiness might be something you can, “mental strength,” yourself out of. Depression, though, grasps your mind and body with such a firm grip that it is an exhausting battle to loosen the grip, and when you do, there is an on-going fear that it will come back. Possibly with an even tighter hold.
When I think about what it feels like to live with the guilt, confusion, and deep sadness, and I think about these people who have given in to the death grip of depression or other mental health illness, I feel sick. I know I cannot bring them back, but I also know there are others who are in the same pain, who still have a chance of overcoming the grip. The people who are wavering. Who still have a shred of hope. Who can still pick up the phone whether it is the first or five hundredth time and ask for help. Life is too good to live with that hurt. No one deserves that pain. And although the decision to get help and the drive to accept help and do the demanding work to get better is ultimately up to the individual with the illness, there are things we can all do to help those people – who are among us as our neighbors, co-workers, friends, and fellow community members.
I could say that we should all be kind to everyone because you never know what’s going on in someone’s life. And although that is true, it isn’t enough. Even more importantly, we must understand that for people who are dealing with true depression or other issue, it isn’t a, “snap out of it” solution. It isn’t finding a new job or a new partner or moving to a new city. It isn’t something that will go away on its own. It is real, it takes hard work, and it is having a devastating impact.
If someone shares with you, let them share. Embrace their share and let them be honest and vulnerable with you, free of judgement. Let them know that although you might not understand completely, you do know it’s real for them. It’s real pain that cannot be shrugged off. The day I knew I could get better was the day I found someone who gave me permission to let go of that guilt and realize that what I was feeling was more than unhappy and didn’t make me a bad person. You can be that person for someone. We need to be that person for others as a step toward decreasing these tragedies.