May the day never come when you are asked to write a letter to the judge to assist him in his sentencing decision for the drunk driver who killed your sister. That day is here for my family.
The questions are endless.
What can you say in that letter to truly convey how your life has changed, and how you have been impacted since that terrible day eight months ago?
How do you help a judge understand the positive impact she had on others?
Do I even understand the full impact and extent of her positivity?
How do you make a judge feel the things you feel when you are with your other siblings and you’re laughing, yet something is missing and you feel a moment of guilt?
Should you have any compassion for someone who made such a terrible decision?
Are you right or wrong if you do or don’t have compassion?
Do you believe people can change?
Do you believe some never will?
How do you know the difference?
After long periods of thought, writing, and contemplation, I realized my letter to the judge should be written in the same way we should communicate everything else. With authenticity.
Feelings may not be fact, but feelings are our reality. There is no right or wrong way to feel about this situation. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are many things in life that don’t come with a right or wrong, as much as people want you to believe there is because their way is right, and your way is wrong if it isn’t their way. We must stay authentic to ourselves, and honor what we need. In this case, there are many different options. Some say we shouldn’t have compassion for the driver, while others say we should. There are people who will say we should never forgive him, while others say we should. There are people who say twenty years without parole is not enough, while others say it is too much.
What I say is that authenticity matters because no matter what others chime in with, there is no right answer carved in stone. There are our feelings and there is the maximum penalty as set by law. At the time of this writing, my letter is not done but it has been drafted in a combined effort of my head and my heart. My letter to the judge will be an authentic depiction of my life with my sister, the pain experienced after we lost her, and how the world is missing out without her in it.
Our lives are full of these moments that call for authenticity. Hopefully never moments as tragic as this one, but moments where we should reach deep inside and write, speak, and communicate with authenticity like we have never shown before. With vulnerability that we may never have shown before. Moments when we should let people see our true feelings. Our true fears, goals, desires, opinions and emotions.
Why aren’t we our authentic selves more often? Because of fear. We are afraid of what people will say or think. I am afraid that if I grieve in a way that others view as wrong or pen what others see as wrong in my letter to the judge, I will be chastised for not treating the situation correctly. But this shouldn’t be the case. We should not be judged for letting our authentic selves show. We should not be judged for letting our vulnerabilities be seen. Nor should we judge or chastise others when they bare their authentic, vulnerable selves.
My letter to the judge will be authentic. It will be difficult to write. Authenticity and vulnerability usually are difficult to share. But it will be honest and a reflection of what I need in this situation to feel that justice was served in the best way possible. I know that my letter will not be the same letter that you would write. And that’s ok. It’s my authentic letter.
May a day like this never come for you. But if it does, please commit to being authentic. And if it doesn’t, please learn from our experience and be inspired to live your life with such authenticity and vulnerability that you can’t help but become a better person today than you were yesterday simply because you are being true to yourself.