“If you don’t have a relationship with yourself, all other relationships become shallow. And if your relationship with yourself is so profound and steady then you naturally develop the skill to handle any kind of relationship around you.” – Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
I use this quote frequently when I deliver workshops about emotional intelligence. It wasn’t said by humanitarian, spiritual leader and ambassador of peace, Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar in specific reference to emotional intelligence but it summarizes emotional intelligence nicely.
The earthly person you know best in this world should be yourself. Hands down, without a doubt.
Instead, it seems we end up at the bottom of the list of who we know best. This is demonstrated by the alarming statistic from research led by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich: 85% or more of people believe they are self-aware, but the reality is that only 10-15% of people are truly self-aware. Yikes.
Research agrees with Sri Sri. Those who are self-aware tend to be more confident and more creative, making sounder decisions and building stronger relationships. Additionally, those who are more self-aware communicate more effectively, are less likely to lie, steal or cheat, are more likely to be promoted, and are more effective leaders who have happier teams.
What should we do then, to develop a better relationship with ourselves? It must start with an honest evaluation of where we currently are. It is only then that we can grow. This requires analysis, accepting honest feedback, viewing how others interact with us, and significant reflection. When we discover those patterns in ourselves then we can start to grow in areas that need help.
An area I’m personally working on right now is addressing how irritable I become when too many people are pulling at my time. The first step was to dig into the irritable feeling and figure out what was causing it. The pattern emerged that it was when I had a several-day stretch with multiple people wanting my time and realizing that my tendency is to give as much of my time as possible to others. When I cannot give my time and must decline something, I feel intense guilt. I don’t like feeling irritable or guilty, but those two things are at odds with one another. Too busy because I said yes too many times and I feel irritable. Choose to say no to not be overwhelmingly busy and I feel guilty.
It is a constant battle for me.
I’m still working on the solution, but that is an example of self-awareness. Sri Sri would likely tell me I may know myself well regarding that situation, but I don’t have a good relationship with myself as I am putting others first to the detriment of my own well-being.
Observe others in your life and it doesn’t take much to figure out where people are not self-aware. The person who takes thirty minutes to make a one-minute statement, leading their audience to daze and stop listening. The person who uses an outside voice inside, annoying those around him/her. The person who doesn’t bring headphones to use with their phone in a public space and makes calls on speaker phone. The person who tells more lies than truths and everyone seems to know it but them. The unmarried person who cannot seem to be single for more than one day. These are all examples of lack of self-awareness and are quite likely impacting the quality of relationships these people have with others.
Start looking for patterns in your life. Create a relationship with yourself that is honest, kind, vulnerable, steady, strong, and unwavering. It is only then that we can improve our relationships with others because of how well we know ourselves. We know what we need from others and what we can provide to others. We know our limits and boundaries and how to best continue to grow.
Sri Sri is a wise man. Read the quote several times. How well do you know yourself? What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Developing your relationship with yourself is not selfish. It is necessary to a better, happier life.